The Revolution (Part 1)

My first foray into the world of writing fiction. Comments/criticism would be deeply appreciated, and help improve my writing in the future. 

(From the pen of Jaythan Kaytryn of Escavia)

Escavia was not a large planet, still isn’t. The economy thrived on Kryxium. Everyone on the planet was employed in either the mines, or the purification plants. Our life in the village was idyllic. We worked hard all day. Mining was hard work, but hardly dangerous as it used to be a hundred years ago. The invention of neutrinogentric machinery had removed any threat to human life than mining might pose. In the evening, everyone in the village would gather round a bonfire, and deliberated about the Escavia NeutroBall League, or the latest exploits of Atom – the protector of galaxies (that used to be the most popular televisor show in those days). The traders would come in their spaceships once every year. They would buy the Kryxium, and sell us whatever Escavia could not produce. Space travel used to be very expensive in those days, and nobody in my village had stepped foot on another planet. I suspect hardly twenty people on the whole of Escavia had.

Overall, life on Escavia was good. We didn’t have much, but then we didn’t need much either. And as we knew that everyone in Escavia lived pretty much the way we did, we didn’t(couldn’t) aspire for anything else either.

Till cyberportation was invented. Now, interstellar travel suddenly became cheap, and easily available. Everyone would now want to spend their holidays not on some beach somewhere on Escavia, but at some exotic snowy mountain range in a distant corner of the galaxy. Similarly Escavia too saw a large number of Litharnians, Zeelorcians and Sylverese tourists. Life had changed. As my friends traveled to distant lands, and brought stories from across the galaxy, there was a growing dissatisfaction in my heart. All Zeelorcians now had access to 3D Virtual Reality televisors in their houses, while we were still using the old ones that my grandfather used. On Chinesis, air travel was the norm while here on Escavia we were still using ancient MotorPods to travel. The galaxy had advanced, other planets were rich and had access to these luxuries. Kryxium, while an essential metal in the industry, wasn’t exactly a rare element. Thus we Escavians couldn’t really afford everything that say, the Litharnians could with their precious Neutrinogen manufacturing plants. But was this fair? I worked as hard as any old Litharnian. Why then, was their produce valued more? Why were the Litharnians richer than me and my fellow Escavians? I wasn’t alone feeling dissatisfied with the situation. True, till now we were unaware that such luxuries even existed. We were unaware and blissful in our ignorant lives. However, a child can live without a toy; but not when he knows that his brother possesses it. Can you really blame him for feeling outraged at the injustice? Now that we knew luxuries existed, we couldn’t live without them.

The Escavian youth was like a pile of dry twigs, waiting for a spark to ignite them. This spark came in the form of Gaspard von Avernus. His reputation preceded him. Apparently, he had started off as a farm hand on some agricultural planet in the galaxy, soon risen ranks and had eventually drafted some reforms that had caused the planet to prosper greatly. The day he arrived, there was a great throng of people waiting to listen to him; me amidst them. He was a thin and unimpressive man with a goatee that made him look like an old movie villain. But his eyes had a sparkle and conviction that I had never seen on any person before. And when he spoke, you had to listen to him, mesmerized. If words had force, his would move galaxies. He spoke of inequality, of injustice and how they must be done away with. His idea of a just society was one where the community owned the means of production, and thus no individual had power to subjugate another. He said that the ones that possessed the power would not relinquish it without a struggle. A revolution was needed to overthrow the current system, and install a new, fair one.

I was stirred by his words, as were many others in my village, on my planet, and indeed on several proletariat planets throughout the galaxy. I became a von Avernus disciple, as did countless others throughout the galaxy. The Revolution was about to begin.

(to be continued…..)

(Please rate, if you reached till here, so that I know how many bothered to plod through)

5 thoughts on “The Revolution (Part 1)

  1. yash says:

    It sure makes people feel good to use big complicated words for their pieces, but as far as i can see, this person who is writing isn’t very rich/sophisticated/educated (blah blah)…BUT! nice read 🙂

    • Thanks for the comments, Yash. A few of these things came to my mind as well, when I was writing it, such as the lack of dialog. But couldn’t really force any into the story. I think I need to mature a bit more as a writer.
      I get the thing about the uppity language, and will try and incorporate that in my future writing. But the thing is, when I am writing, I am so busy thinking about the content that it becomes hard to also keep a tab on the kind of language being used. I am probably always writing as Ravi Bhoraskar and not Jaythan Katryn. Again, more maturity as an author required.
      Hopefully I will get better as I write more.

      >Haven’t read a lot of stories, but yes, some things which came to me just after 2 or 3
      >lines is that the language is a little too uppity. It sure makes people feel good to use
      >big complicated words for their pieces, but as far as i can see, this person who is
      >writing isn’t very rich/sophisticated/educated (blah blah), hence, such language isn’t
      >really expected from him. people like me, who like to visualize the character while
      >reading clearly see the conflict of this ‘gaan-wala’ using words which even i have to
      >read twice to make sure i get it. If the language could be lower, more apt to what u
      >would associate with the village folk, it allows people to trust the story easily. sure, the-
      >guy-from-another-planet-whose-name-i-cant-recall should have a language which
      >would be more sophisticated than the writers.
      >Also, one more thing, just a personal thought, too many civilizations at once, i actually
      >tried to remember them as i thought they’ll have a role later (in this very episode), i
      >would like it even more if newer words came is slower, and that there would be more
      >first person dialogue (personal choice, i like stories where there are people talking :))

  2. First few paras were little dull with flashes of genius. Maybe some parts were written about in little extra detail(and space) than required. But towards the end story really caught me. Waiting for more eagerly.

    • Bade bade blogger hamare gareebkhane me padhar rahe hain. Sahi hai!
      Thanks for the feedback. I thought the first few paragraphs were necessary to give a nice scifi background. But in hindsight, they do seem a bit boring. Hope to improve in the future…

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